Wound 2010

 

Wound is a new zealand horror film about, well im not to sure what it was about to be honest, something about a madwoman whos into getting her tits clamped with clothes pegs who thinks her stillborn daughter has come back as a sexy goth with psychotic intentions. in between weird bondage sessions the mad woman has a really bad nosebleed, gets assualted with clingfilm by men in pig masks, wanders into a dream reality where everyone has heads like sex dolls and cuts off her incestous dads penis. all fun and games in new zealand it seems. theres a couple of scenes in wound i cant even write down they were so gross, and the sheer mentalness of it all means i probably didnt see what i thought i saw anyway. its that sort of film.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 4/5 - blood flows freely, torture, abuse and getting twated by baseball bats also feature highly

SEX/NUDITY - 4/5 - tits, leather, bondage and pig masks bloody everywhere

SCARES - 4/5 - scary in the sense thats it messed up uncomfortable and gross

FILM - 4/5 - thats some fucked up shit right there.

The task 2011

A group of bloody annoying twenty somethings take part in a reality tv show where they have to spend the night in an abandoned prison. during the night they have to complete tasks that reflect their darkest fear. eg; man who fears religion has a task in the chapel, some poor bloke with a fear of confined spaces gets put in a metal box of shit, all thats missing is ant and dek and it could be on itv. suffice to say people start going missing, the production crew dont know what the hell is going on and someone just activated the gas chamber. its all a bit silly really with a double twist that you will see coming about 80 minutes beforehand.

BOOLD/VIOLENCE - 2/5 - nothing much happens and when it does you dont see much
SEX/NUDITY - 1/5 - i dont remember any but there must be an exposed shoulder or something
SCARES - 1/5 - hmmm, not really scary at all

FILM - 2/5 - not the worst horror film ive seen in the last couple of months but close

The devils rock 2011

Two comandos turn up on an island the day before d-day to blow up a radio base. once they get inside they find a lot of torn apart german soldiers, a living german soldier and a demon succubus chained up in the basement. the germans have been trying to raise a demon to help out with the war and now they cant control it. after one of the commandos dies its left to the surving one and the german to send the creature back to hell, theres some blood and carnage on the way.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 3/5 - the usual face smashing intestine flying behaviour
SEX/NUDITY - 2/5 - the succubus woman tends to have her tits out
SCARES - 2/5 - a bit of dread and atmosphere

FILM - 3/5 - harmless 90 mins of demonic entertainment

Atomik circus 2004

A couple are broken apart when the bloke gets set up. he escapes from prison and starts making his way back to the girl before she gets whisked away by the smooth record esec who likes her singing. oh and mental tentacled aliens are invading and cutting off peoples heads and skinning their faces off. and some pissed motorbike cops keep falling off their bikes, and a man gets his dog to sing by pressing a boil on its leg, and a bloke in a space suit rides a motorbike into another dimension. its crazy french stuff you'll either love it or turn it off after 20 minutes and declare it crap. its not really a horror film but the sheer amount of decapitations and gut rippings in the last 20 minutes mean it should be here.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 4/5 - the massacre in the hall by the tentacles is mental gory
SEX/NUDITY - 3/5 - its french
SCARES - 2/5 - not scary, just bloody surreal

FILM - 4/5 - not for everyone but if you can cope its worth the effort

Mothers day 2010

Three brothers head to their mums house after a robbery goes wrong only to find that a nice middle class couple have moved in. the nice couple are having a nice party with their nice friends. the three brothers ruin everything for everyone in a nasty intimidating home invasion way then ring their mum who ends up being more brutal and psychotic than they are. if memory serves one of the nice middle class lot make it out alive. the rest of them are dispatched in increasingly violent ways, my favourite was the 2nd shotgun to the head death, swift, unexpected and bloody as hell.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 4/5 - two shotgun to the head deaths and lots of other nasty bits
SEX/NUDITY - 3/5 - someeone is forced to strip, might have been a shower bit
SCARES - 3/5 - more dread than scares but its sustained

FILM - 4/5 - constant brutal home invasion film, didnt like the ending tho

Hobo with a shotgun 2010

A hobo (rutger hauer) turns up at a town with a plan to beg enough money to able to afford a lawnmower so he can start his own business. unfortunatly he has arrived at a town over run with crime and general nastiness, at one point one of the bad guys gets on a school bus with a flamethrower and cooks all the kids alive. its not a happy place to live. suffice to say the lawnmower plan goes tits up and he ends up buying a shotgun instead. then let the carnage begin (or continue, its pretty out of order through out). its got the sense of humour of a troma film but with higher production values and rutger in the lead playing it dead straight, its wicked, violent, bloody, and i strongly suggest checking it out.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 5/5 - intestines, heads and children all explode in a gory fashion.
SEX/NUDITY - 3/5 - prostitutes all over the place doing prostitute stuff
SCARES - 4/5 - no scary but brutal and out of order

FILM - 5/5 - mental gory entertainment for anyone that can handle it,

The Woman 2011

A man finds a wild woman living in the woods, catches her in a net and chains her up in his basement. He then proceeds to get his 'living in fear' family to wash her, feed her and in the case of his teenage son, molest and torture her. You know from the moment the wild woman bites off the control freak blokes finger that its all going to end in a big bloody mess. and it does just that. in a competant way, although it felt like an episode of masters of horror rather than a full blown film. its very a to b stuff, no suprises, no really disturbing things, a reasonable air of dread but not the film its being hyped up to be.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 3/5 - it gets going in the last 20 minutes, intestines, throat rippings etc
SEX/NUDITY - 2/5 - the wild woman gets stripped naked a couple of times
SCARES - 2/5 - no scares here, a couple of almost shocking bits

FILM - 3/5 - feels like it was made for tv, good tv mind.

Zombie diaries 2 : world of the dead 2011

Hmmm, more nonsense on a cover selling a zombie film thats pretty awful. 'the best horror movie of the year'. really fangoria? couldnt find anything on their site saying that. the film is shit by the way. crap acting (except for a 5 minute jonnie hurn cameo at the end where he prceeds to act really well in a film full of people being idiots), shit fx, stupid 'pop' gun noises, crap flashback 'story twist' bits. no script that i could detect.

you know your in trouble when the reason the zombie hordes get in your compound is because 'someone left the gate open'. come on, we deserve better than this.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 2/5 - some crap zombie attacks, one unexpected bit of brutality
SEX/NUDITY - 2/5 - 2 rapes, 1 of which is on a zombie who keeps her pants on
SCARES - 1/5 - ive seen scarier episodes of bagpuss

FILM - 1/5 - just plain shit, one nasty bit and 5 minutes of acting do not a good film make.