Area 407 (tape 407) 2011

Area 407, which was called tape 407 at frightfest is another found footage film, as we all know some are good (rec, evidence, cannibal holocaust) and some are just fucking dire, this is one, if not the worst, of the dire ones. the poster states that the plane crash was just the beginning. within 5 minutes of the plane crashing you will wish they had all died. there is no script, no real actors, the cinematography is crap, the fx are really crap and the payoff is just soooo stupid its almost watching the whole film so you can have a laugh. and the dinosaur thats killing them off is either a plastic head on a pole or a cgi creation seemingly composited by a gang of drugged up 3 year olds. god i hated this film. please dont watch it.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 1/5 - some tomato sauce splashed at the actors
SEX/NUDITY - 0/5 - theres no way the budget of this was going to pay someone enough to take their clothes off.
SCARES - 0/5 - i have eaten scarier salads

FILM - 1/5 - utter crap throughout, the ending almost makes it a comedy, dont bother

A Serbian Film 2010

Ah, a serbian film, where do you start when trying to review this? the director got arrested at stiges film festival for bringing it with him, for about a year you couldnt access it on the imdb, its cut beyond recognition in just about every country its been released in....and in its uncut form its possibly one of the most well made, well written, acted etc etc dark thrillers you'll ever see, but the price of watching it in its uncut form is that you will never ever be able to forget what you have seen. ever. the story is a bit simple to begin with, a retired porn star is broke and lets himself get brought into a 'reality' porn shoot. he just has to turn up and fuck whatever is put in front of him and get paid loads of cash, but there are darker plans afoot. plans involving bull aphrodisiac, young girls eating lollys, a girl getting decapitated while she is being raped, teeth removal and the grossest choking to death scene ever, incest, mutilation, suicide and lest i forget the new born baby gets raped. this film isnt one of those daily mail readers up in arms 'ban this sick filth' type of films. this is the real deal, in realistic terms it should be banned, it should never have been made. but it was made and it is hands down the most effective horror film i have ever seen. just make sure you see it uncut and remember its all just a film.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 5/5 - er yes, the last 40 minutes are the grossest in film history
SEX/NUDITY - 5/5 - er yes, pretty much everyone gets stripped, raped and abused at some point
SCARES - 5/5 - er yes, its very well made and draws you in before battering you senseless

FILM - 5/5 - only watch it uncut or youll wonder what the fuss was about

The Divide 2011

A nucleur bomb goes off, a group of people make it to the basement where the survivalist janitor has a bomb shelter set up. they start off hopefull when it seems like help has arrived, but they end up getting welded into the basement and then start to run out of food. this all basically leads to the collapse of their small society and all the girls get raped. and one of the blokes starts wandering around in a dress, theres a stabbing, a girl ends up gaffa taped up and then beaten to death. run of the mill end of the world stuff but with added brutality and wierdness. i loved it.

BLOOD/ VIOLENCE - 4/5 - theres blood and theres violence
SEX/NUDITY - 3/5 - some major degrading stuff going on towards gafa tape bird
SCARES - 3/5 - starts ominous but gets so out of hand you just start laughing

FILM - 4/5 - mental stuff, watch it with your nan for a laugh

God Bless America 2011

God Bless America, directed by bobcat goldthwait (the shouty gang member from police academy 2), could very well be the best film to come out of america in years. a bored man whos pissed off at, well, what he sees on tv really, says im not going to take this shit anymore and goes on a mental slaughter rampage with stars of reality tv shows as his targets, oh and crying babies, and people who talk during films at the cinema. basically he is doing what any rational person wishes they could do and taking out annoying humans. and he has a nihilistic 16 girl enthusiasticly helping him. its just great, gory, funny, well written and directed and ends without a stupid cop out ending, which was a relief.

BLOOD / VIOLENCE - 4/5 - a baby gets a shotgun blast to the head!
SEX/NUDITY - 1/5 - maybe an uncovered shoulder in there somewhere
SCARES - 0/5 - its not scary, its funny as fuck

FILM - 5/5 - its just wicked, watch as soon as possible

Grave Encounters 2011

A bunch of paranormal investigators are filming a haunted house show. they get to episode 6 which is at a disused mental asylum. they bicker, they throw ego strops then they get locked in for the night, ready to film some ghosts. obviously some ghosts turn up, to start with its just a bit of furniture moving and the odd slammed door but after 8 hours the sun hasnt come up, and no ones come to unlock the door to let them out. oops its alternative nightmare reality getting chased down and fucked up by the mad lobotomist doctor time. theres some cool stuff going on with this film, it sort of folds in on itself by the end and you do wonder a couple of times if maybe jumping out of a window might have been a good plan rather than taking the very dark spooky tunnel way, but it gives good killer ghost menace.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 2/5 - theres blood but its more of a 'boo' film
SEX/NUDITY - 1/5 - i dont remember any
SCARES - 4/5 - creepy, atmospheric and jumpy,

FILM - 3/5 - good found footage film, not great but with great bits.