Penumbra 2012

Now i loved this films directors last film, 'sudor frio', so i was looking forward to this. And it doesnt fail in its mission to slowly crank up the tension and occasionally confuse you. A woman, who is a complete bitch from the start, is brokering a deal with someone to rent a flat just as an eclipse is going to start. Alas people keep turning up at the flat and not leaving and none of them seem to know much about selling property, and her phone keeps messing up, and shes lost her keys. i feel a eclipse worshipping sect looking for a sacrifice coming on. It isnt really that simple and it twists about a bit at the end, is she mad, were there several people doing wierd astral voyage stuff in her flat? not sure to be honest but it was good.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 2/5 - a decapitation but thats about it
SEX/NUDITY - 1/5 - a girl gets oiled up but not in a good way
SCARES - 3/5 - tension, tension, tension

FILM - 4/5 - a worthy addition to the 'watch this spanish film' list

FRIGHTFEST 2012 Fri 24th Aug

Hooray, frightfest. Bright and early at 10 am on a friday morning, must be time for the 2 and half hour version of...

NIGHTBREED : THE CABAL CUT

It seems someone found the workprint of clive barkers original cut of nightbreed and put it back together. sorted. although the quality of the new footage is from a vhs tape so its a bit ropey. A man, boone, is told by his doctor, david cronenberg!!!, that he is a serial killer. (which he is not) he goes to midian because thats where the monsters live. his doctor is the serial killer and wants to kill all the monsters so he also goes to midian with a load of coppers and theres a big fight. the extra footage helped the story but it went on for a bit during the last fight.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 3/5- lots of monsters ripping into lots of coppers
SEX/NUDITY - 2/5 - some of the monsters get their tops off
SCARES - 2/5 - more of an action film with monsters

FILM - 3/5 - it was good but it needs cutting down a bit

next up was an interview with dario argento

He is old, italian and you either love his films or wonder what all the fuss is about. i love them and hearing his views on this that and whatever was entertaining enough, but we could have done with a film here really.

the next film was from chile...

HIDDEN IN THE WOODS

Now i bet the chilean tourist board love the director of this. a dad rapes his daughters and feeds them human flesh.he gets done for abuse and cuts some people up with a chainsaw. he goes to prison. the drug dealer he stashes drugs for wants his drugs and decides the daughters, and malformed son, know where it is. and so begins an hour of cannabilism, rape and extreme violence. a few people walked out of this one.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 5/5 - lots and lots of nasty shit
SEX/NUDITY - 4/5 - some of it involving blow jobs
SCARES - 3/5 - well i was gripped

FILM - 4/5 - morale of film: avoid chile

Next up was a found footage anthology film called...

V/H/S

A group of idiots who film themselves trashing shit get offered a load of cash to break into a house and steal a vhs tape. they get in to find a dead bloke and a pile of tapes. they watch the tapes and we get some short films. a group of jocks decide to film themselves date raping a couple of chicks only to find out one of them is a dick ripping demon, a holiday in the desert turns strays into decapitation territory, a girl invites her friends to the woods as bait to catch a serial killer, a man helps aliens impregnate girls and a group of friends go to the wrong house while looking for a halloween party. its pretty mental stuff. in fact i might watch it again tonight.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 4/5 - dick rippings, decapitations and stabbings to the face
SEX/NUDITY - 4/5 - nude demons, skinny dipping, home made porn bit
SCARES - 3/4 - some pretty good jumps and the end has good atmos

FILM - 4/5 - the film of the day for me

Last, well not last but the last one didnt start till 12

REC 3 : GENESIS

Now i love rec and rec 2 and unfortunatly the things i love about those 2 are whats been taken out on this one. it losses the found footage angle and goes for evil dead 2 style laughs. dont get me wrong it a good zombie film and ill buy it the day it comes out but its not a good rec film. theres a wedding, the vet who checked the dog from the first film is there, zombie mayhem ensues. with chainsaws and wedding dresses and the groom running around in a suit of armour.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 4/5 - zombie carnage and chainsaw stuff
SEX/NUDITY - 1/5 - nothing really
SCARES - 2/5 - its more funny than scary

FILM - 3/5 - but its still a cool zombie film

Airborne 2012

british low budget horror films, some great, others really really bad. so bad you have to watch all the way through with your mouth open. a bit like watching a car crash unfold in slow motion but with crap acting and no gore. this film really does take bad writing to a whole new level, although it has got luke skywalker in it. so the story, which is ripped from an old tv movie starring 'the shat' (kirk) called terror at 37000 feet, goes along the lines of 8 people on a passanger jet, same jet is transporting a haunted vase which has the ability to turn people into nut jobs, the people start dying, no ones flying the plane, someones trying to steal the vase cos its worth loads, blah blah blah. sticking a bit of piano at the end doesnt make it meaningful either. watch this to fully understand how not to write, direct and shoot an absolute waste of time.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 2/5 - someone smashes their own head in on a box
SEX/NUDITY - 2/5 - sex in the plane toilets
SCARES - 0/5 - er no.

FILM - 1/5 - watch it, i dare you.

Piranha 3DD 2012

Now, all i wanted from this film is killer fish and tits. Alas not as much of either as in the first film (or 2nd remake, whichever way you want to look at it). but it does have killer fish decapitating children, and one guy gets one stuck in his arse. and there is a 30 second 3d breast montage, which kinda covers the tits. so exactly what i required. oh and theres a sort of story about a water park and david hasselhof rocks.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 4/5 - killer fish carnage
SEX/NUDITY - 4/5 - er tits
SCARES - 1/5 - no scares just fish

FILM - 3/5 - good, just not as good as the last one.

PROMETHEUS 2012

Hooray, ridley scott makes his first science fiction film in 30 years. Hooray its an alien prequel (sort of). Hooray its got the bird from the swedish version of the girl with the dragon tattoo in it, and last but not least, Hooray it wasnt cut down to get a 12A. Oh and its the total dogs nuts.

Some scientists find some cave drawings that are some sort of star map thing. they get a bit of private funding and voyage off to where no man has gone before, but where it looks like man was sort of invented. they land, do some science stuff, find a massive carved human head surrounded by familiar eggs. then a couple of them do some stupid stuff and die and then mutate and die again. the robot/ android dude is being a bit sneaky and the results of one of his little experiments results in an emergency self surgery scene which is pretty mental. then some bright spark decides to wake up one of the creators and things start going really tits up. theres some really cool stuff going on with this film, big crashing spaceships, a nice bit of klaxxons going off with a calm voice stating how little amount of time is left. and an alien (proper ancestor of alien type alien) pops out at the end.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 3/5 - its squishy and gross

SEX/NUDITY - 1/5 - some implied hanky panky

SCARES - 3/5 - it all gets a bit sweaty during the self surgery bit

FILM - 5/5 - great sci fi horror mash up, with tentacles!

Cannibal Holocaust 1980

Oh yes, we're going old school with the first (and greatest) found footage film ever made. A man with a beard goes to the amazon to look for a missing documentary crew. he runs into a tribe and they trade him some film cans theyve got for something shiney. beardy man gets back and a group of suits (and us the viewer) watch the footage from the cans. and man is it fucked up, the doc crew start by constantly pissing about and cutting up animals for fun, then it all gets a bit rapey with the girl, then they come across a tribe of people who dont wear much. they proceed to burn down the village, filming it as they go. then theres some nasty sexual torture, then a girl gets impaled on a spike. theres a rather nasty forced abortion, some more real animal death then the tribe say 'fuck this' and batter, rape and dismember the film crew. the end. its great but its the sort of film that people your watching it with will leave about half an hour in and never really look at you the same again.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 5/5 - everything (people, muskrats, turtles) gets dismembered
SEX/NUDITY - 5/5 - the tribe are all 'tits out' and theres a lot of sexual violence
SCARES - 5/5 - it certainly does your head in

FILM - 5/5 - an all time sick fucked up classic

Outpost 2 : Black Sun 2012

Outpost 2 is a nazi zombie film which, as dead snow and outpost have proved,means it cant fail. a woman nazi hunter is searching for a death commander type (who would be about 90 years old) she is joined by a physics bloke who says he knows stuff that can help. they are then joined by a british special forces group who are heading in the same direction. the one thing they all have in commen is they end up killing some nazi zombies, and trying to turn off/blow up some zombie machine in a basement, which if they dont turn off will result in them all getting nuked. its great, it takes itself seriously and theres unstoppable zombies with big daggers stabbing anyone they come across.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 3/5 - much stabbing and head battering
SEX/NUDITY - 0/5 - nothing,
SCARES - 3/5 - its ominous throughout

FILM - 3/5 - add an extra point if zombie films are your thing

Area 407 (tape 407) 2011

Area 407, which was called tape 407 at frightfest is another found footage film, as we all know some are good (rec, evidence, cannibal holocaust) and some are just fucking dire, this is one, if not the worst, of the dire ones. the poster states that the plane crash was just the beginning. within 5 minutes of the plane crashing you will wish they had all died. there is no script, no real actors, the cinematography is crap, the fx are really crap and the payoff is just soooo stupid its almost watching the whole film so you can have a laugh. and the dinosaur thats killing them off is either a plastic head on a pole or a cgi creation seemingly composited by a gang of drugged up 3 year olds. god i hated this film. please dont watch it.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 1/5 - some tomato sauce splashed at the actors
SEX/NUDITY - 0/5 - theres no way the budget of this was going to pay someone enough to take their clothes off.
SCARES - 0/5 - i have eaten scarier salads

FILM - 1/5 - utter crap throughout, the ending almost makes it a comedy, dont bother

A Serbian Film 2010

Ah, a serbian film, where do you start when trying to review this? the director got arrested at stiges film festival for bringing it with him, for about a year you couldnt access it on the imdb, its cut beyond recognition in just about every country its been released in....and in its uncut form its possibly one of the most well made, well written, acted etc etc dark thrillers you'll ever see, but the price of watching it in its uncut form is that you will never ever be able to forget what you have seen. ever. the story is a bit simple to begin with, a retired porn star is broke and lets himself get brought into a 'reality' porn shoot. he just has to turn up and fuck whatever is put in front of him and get paid loads of cash, but there are darker plans afoot. plans involving bull aphrodisiac, young girls eating lollys, a girl getting decapitated while she is being raped, teeth removal and the grossest choking to death scene ever, incest, mutilation, suicide and lest i forget the new born baby gets raped. this film isnt one of those daily mail readers up in arms 'ban this sick filth' type of films. this is the real deal, in realistic terms it should be banned, it should never have been made. but it was made and it is hands down the most effective horror film i have ever seen. just make sure you see it uncut and remember its all just a film.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 5/5 - er yes, the last 40 minutes are the grossest in film history
SEX/NUDITY - 5/5 - er yes, pretty much everyone gets stripped, raped and abused at some point
SCARES - 5/5 - er yes, its very well made and draws you in before battering you senseless

FILM - 5/5 - only watch it uncut or youll wonder what the fuss was about

The Divide 2011

A nucleur bomb goes off, a group of people make it to the basement where the survivalist janitor has a bomb shelter set up. they start off hopefull when it seems like help has arrived, but they end up getting welded into the basement and then start to run out of food. this all basically leads to the collapse of their small society and all the girls get raped. and one of the blokes starts wandering around in a dress, theres a stabbing, a girl ends up gaffa taped up and then beaten to death. run of the mill end of the world stuff but with added brutality and wierdness. i loved it.

BLOOD/ VIOLENCE - 4/5 - theres blood and theres violence
SEX/NUDITY - 3/5 - some major degrading stuff going on towards gafa tape bird
SCARES - 3/5 - starts ominous but gets so out of hand you just start laughing

FILM - 4/5 - mental stuff, watch it with your nan for a laugh

God Bless America 2011

God Bless America, directed by bobcat goldthwait (the shouty gang member from police academy 2), could very well be the best film to come out of america in years. a bored man whos pissed off at, well, what he sees on tv really, says im not going to take this shit anymore and goes on a mental slaughter rampage with stars of reality tv shows as his targets, oh and crying babies, and people who talk during films at the cinema. basically he is doing what any rational person wishes they could do and taking out annoying humans. and he has a nihilistic 16 girl enthusiasticly helping him. its just great, gory, funny, well written and directed and ends without a stupid cop out ending, which was a relief.

BLOOD / VIOLENCE - 4/5 - a baby gets a shotgun blast to the head!
SEX/NUDITY - 1/5 - maybe an uncovered shoulder in there somewhere
SCARES - 0/5 - its not scary, its funny as fuck

FILM - 5/5 - its just wicked, watch as soon as possible

Grave Encounters 2011

A bunch of paranormal investigators are filming a haunted house show. they get to episode 6 which is at a disused mental asylum. they bicker, they throw ego strops then they get locked in for the night, ready to film some ghosts. obviously some ghosts turn up, to start with its just a bit of furniture moving and the odd slammed door but after 8 hours the sun hasnt come up, and no ones come to unlock the door to let them out. oops its alternative nightmare reality getting chased down and fucked up by the mad lobotomist doctor time. theres some cool stuff going on with this film, it sort of folds in on itself by the end and you do wonder a couple of times if maybe jumping out of a window might have been a good plan rather than taking the very dark spooky tunnel way, but it gives good killer ghost menace.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 2/5 - theres blood but its more of a 'boo' film
SEX/NUDITY - 1/5 - i dont remember any
SCARES - 4/5 - creepy, atmospheric and jumpy,

FILM - 3/5 - good found footage film, not great but with great bits.

Prowl 2010

A girl needs to leave her shitty little home town. a group of her friends all decide to help. they break down. they get picked up by a truck driver. they get dumped in a warehouse.... then they all get eaten by vampires. now this might sound a bit generic and 'seen it all before' but other than the first act, which just reeks of first year screen writing student. the film turns into something quite interesting. by the half way point you will know where its going but its gory bloody and jumpy en route. the acting is all good, it looks like it cost far more than it did. the jumps are jumpy and although theres not much onscreen blood, it tends to splash over every avaliable surface so it feels gorier than it is. a worthy waste of 90 mins.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 3/5 - splashy blood and a decapitated head
SEX/NUDITY - 1/5 - a sort of semi naked game of truth or dare
SCARES - 3/5 - the 2nd half ramps it up quite well

FILM - worth a watch, probably only once

Urban Explorers 2011

Four 20 somethings meet up with a german bloke in berlin who they pay to show them some nazi bunker in an underground walled in tunnel complex... the fools. rule no.1, dont fuck about with nazi experiment stuff. it'll always end up with someone tied to a chair getting blow torched. or skinned. or getting stabbed etc etc. the first half of this was pretty good but once the violence got going it just got boring. they could have cut 3 seconds out and it would have been a 15, you dont care about anyone, they keep making stupid choces and ending up dismembered and decorating the fridge, its just silly.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 2/5 - a nice live skinning
SEX/NUDITY - 1/5 - 2 girls kiss for about 2 seconds
SCARES - 2/5 - creepy for about half an hour

FILM - 2/5 - alright but kinda boring and not violent enough

Evidence 2011

Hmmm, long break, long story. anyway....evidence is a found footage film. now before you think 'fuck that, ive had enough' think again. 4 friends (although they dont seem to get on, so why hang out?) go camping, one of them is filming a documentary on his friends first camping trip. the characters are just normal slaughter fooder, one of them is blond and wears tiny shorts etc. but, after half hour of generic nonsense and several moments where i thought about turning it off it suddenly goes a bit epic and a bit unexpectably mental. within about a minute it turns from blair witch rip off to a fully charged nutcase action horror film, 2 dead bodies in the first hour, more than i could count in the last 30 minutes, blood, monsters, zombies, mad scientists.... its all there.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 4/5 - dismemberment and savagery abound
SEX/NUDITY - 2/5 - a couple of nipples
SCARES - 3/5 - after some normal jumpy bits it really goes for it

FILM - 4/5 - loved it, an unexpected mental treat