Penumbra 2012

Now i loved this films directors last film, 'sudor frio', so i was looking forward to this. And it doesnt fail in its mission to slowly crank up the tension and occasionally confuse you. A woman, who is a complete bitch from the start, is brokering a deal with someone to rent a flat just as an eclipse is going to start. Alas people keep turning up at the flat and not leaving and none of them seem to know much about selling property, and her phone keeps messing up, and shes lost her keys. i feel a eclipse worshipping sect looking for a sacrifice coming on. It isnt really that simple and it twists about a bit at the end, is she mad, were there several people doing wierd astral voyage stuff in her flat? not sure to be honest but it was good.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 2/5 - a decapitation but thats about it
SEX/NUDITY - 1/5 - a girl gets oiled up but not in a good way
SCARES - 3/5 - tension, tension, tension

FILM - 4/5 - a worthy addition to the 'watch this spanish film' list

FRIGHTFEST 2012 Fri 24th Aug

Hooray, frightfest. Bright and early at 10 am on a friday morning, must be time for the 2 and half hour version of...

NIGHTBREED : THE CABAL CUT

It seems someone found the workprint of clive barkers original cut of nightbreed and put it back together. sorted. although the quality of the new footage is from a vhs tape so its a bit ropey. A man, boone, is told by his doctor, david cronenberg!!!, that he is a serial killer. (which he is not) he goes to midian because thats where the monsters live. his doctor is the serial killer and wants to kill all the monsters so he also goes to midian with a load of coppers and theres a big fight. the extra footage helped the story but it went on for a bit during the last fight.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 3/5- lots of monsters ripping into lots of coppers
SEX/NUDITY - 2/5 - some of the monsters get their tops off
SCARES - 2/5 - more of an action film with monsters

FILM - 3/5 - it was good but it needs cutting down a bit

next up was an interview with dario argento

He is old, italian and you either love his films or wonder what all the fuss is about. i love them and hearing his views on this that and whatever was entertaining enough, but we could have done with a film here really.

the next film was from chile...

HIDDEN IN THE WOODS

Now i bet the chilean tourist board love the director of this. a dad rapes his daughters and feeds them human flesh.he gets done for abuse and cuts some people up with a chainsaw. he goes to prison. the drug dealer he stashes drugs for wants his drugs and decides the daughters, and malformed son, know where it is. and so begins an hour of cannabilism, rape and extreme violence. a few people walked out of this one.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 5/5 - lots and lots of nasty shit
SEX/NUDITY - 4/5 - some of it involving blow jobs
SCARES - 3/5 - well i was gripped

FILM - 4/5 - morale of film: avoid chile

Next up was a found footage anthology film called...

V/H/S

A group of idiots who film themselves trashing shit get offered a load of cash to break into a house and steal a vhs tape. they get in to find a dead bloke and a pile of tapes. they watch the tapes and we get some short films. a group of jocks decide to film themselves date raping a couple of chicks only to find out one of them is a dick ripping demon, a holiday in the desert turns strays into decapitation territory, a girl invites her friends to the woods as bait to catch a serial killer, a man helps aliens impregnate girls and a group of friends go to the wrong house while looking for a halloween party. its pretty mental stuff. in fact i might watch it again tonight.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 4/5 - dick rippings, decapitations and stabbings to the face
SEX/NUDITY - 4/5 - nude demons, skinny dipping, home made porn bit
SCARES - 3/4 - some pretty good jumps and the end has good atmos

FILM - 4/5 - the film of the day for me

Last, well not last but the last one didnt start till 12

REC 3 : GENESIS

Now i love rec and rec 2 and unfortunatly the things i love about those 2 are whats been taken out on this one. it losses the found footage angle and goes for evil dead 2 style laughs. dont get me wrong it a good zombie film and ill buy it the day it comes out but its not a good rec film. theres a wedding, the vet who checked the dog from the first film is there, zombie mayhem ensues. with chainsaws and wedding dresses and the groom running around in a suit of armour.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 4/5 - zombie carnage and chainsaw stuff
SEX/NUDITY - 1/5 - nothing really
SCARES - 2/5 - its more funny than scary

FILM - 3/5 - but its still a cool zombie film

Airborne 2012

british low budget horror films, some great, others really really bad. so bad you have to watch all the way through with your mouth open. a bit like watching a car crash unfold in slow motion but with crap acting and no gore. this film really does take bad writing to a whole new level, although it has got luke skywalker in it. so the story, which is ripped from an old tv movie starring 'the shat' (kirk) called terror at 37000 feet, goes along the lines of 8 people on a passanger jet, same jet is transporting a haunted vase which has the ability to turn people into nut jobs, the people start dying, no ones flying the plane, someones trying to steal the vase cos its worth loads, blah blah blah. sticking a bit of piano at the end doesnt make it meaningful either. watch this to fully understand how not to write, direct and shoot an absolute waste of time.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 2/5 - someone smashes their own head in on a box
SEX/NUDITY - 2/5 - sex in the plane toilets
SCARES - 0/5 - er no.

FILM - 1/5 - watch it, i dare you.

Piranha 3DD 2012

Now, all i wanted from this film is killer fish and tits. Alas not as much of either as in the first film (or 2nd remake, whichever way you want to look at it). but it does have killer fish decapitating children, and one guy gets one stuck in his arse. and there is a 30 second 3d breast montage, which kinda covers the tits. so exactly what i required. oh and theres a sort of story about a water park and david hasselhof rocks.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 4/5 - killer fish carnage
SEX/NUDITY - 4/5 - er tits
SCARES - 1/5 - no scares just fish

FILM - 3/5 - good, just not as good as the last one.

PROMETHEUS 2012

Hooray, ridley scott makes his first science fiction film in 30 years. Hooray its an alien prequel (sort of). Hooray its got the bird from the swedish version of the girl with the dragon tattoo in it, and last but not least, Hooray it wasnt cut down to get a 12A. Oh and its the total dogs nuts.

Some scientists find some cave drawings that are some sort of star map thing. they get a bit of private funding and voyage off to where no man has gone before, but where it looks like man was sort of invented. they land, do some science stuff, find a massive carved human head surrounded by familiar eggs. then a couple of them do some stupid stuff and die and then mutate and die again. the robot/ android dude is being a bit sneaky and the results of one of his little experiments results in an emergency self surgery scene which is pretty mental. then some bright spark decides to wake up one of the creators and things start going really tits up. theres some really cool stuff going on with this film, big crashing spaceships, a nice bit of klaxxons going off with a calm voice stating how little amount of time is left. and an alien (proper ancestor of alien type alien) pops out at the end.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 3/5 - its squishy and gross

SEX/NUDITY - 1/5 - some implied hanky panky

SCARES - 3/5 - it all gets a bit sweaty during the self surgery bit

FILM - 5/5 - great sci fi horror mash up, with tentacles!

Cannibal Holocaust 1980

Oh yes, we're going old school with the first (and greatest) found footage film ever made. A man with a beard goes to the amazon to look for a missing documentary crew. he runs into a tribe and they trade him some film cans theyve got for something shiney. beardy man gets back and a group of suits (and us the viewer) watch the footage from the cans. and man is it fucked up, the doc crew start by constantly pissing about and cutting up animals for fun, then it all gets a bit rapey with the girl, then they come across a tribe of people who dont wear much. they proceed to burn down the village, filming it as they go. then theres some nasty sexual torture, then a girl gets impaled on a spike. theres a rather nasty forced abortion, some more real animal death then the tribe say 'fuck this' and batter, rape and dismember the film crew. the end. its great but its the sort of film that people your watching it with will leave about half an hour in and never really look at you the same again.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 5/5 - everything (people, muskrats, turtles) gets dismembered
SEX/NUDITY - 5/5 - the tribe are all 'tits out' and theres a lot of sexual violence
SCARES - 5/5 - it certainly does your head in

FILM - 5/5 - an all time sick fucked up classic

Outpost 2 : Black Sun 2012

Outpost 2 is a nazi zombie film which, as dead snow and outpost have proved,means it cant fail. a woman nazi hunter is searching for a death commander type (who would be about 90 years old) she is joined by a physics bloke who says he knows stuff that can help. they are then joined by a british special forces group who are heading in the same direction. the one thing they all have in commen is they end up killing some nazi zombies, and trying to turn off/blow up some zombie machine in a basement, which if they dont turn off will result in them all getting nuked. its great, it takes itself seriously and theres unstoppable zombies with big daggers stabbing anyone they come across.

BLOOD/VIOLENCE - 3/5 - much stabbing and head battering
SEX/NUDITY - 0/5 - nothing,
SCARES - 3/5 - its ominous throughout

FILM - 3/5 - add an extra point if zombie films are your thing